


In the Temple

by brainofck



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Bad Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-05
Updated: 2011-08-05
Packaged: 2017-10-22 06:04:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/234678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainofck/pseuds/brainofck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[From the original post on LJ in May 2007]   I've never written bad sex, but I got the urge today.  Part of my recent randomness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Temple

"Ow."

"Sorry."

"Jack!"

"Wait..."

"OW!!"

"Just give me a second!" He pauses. "Do you think this will work for lube?"

"No. I don't think that substance was ever intended to come into contact with human mucous membranes."

"Fine, I'll just..."

"Ew? Ew! No, just stop. Don't!"

"Why not?"

"It's too disgusting for words. Just use your fingers."

"Ew."

" _You_ were about to put your mouth down there!"

"Well, you're mostly clean on the outside..."

"Thanks. I think." He can hear the eyeroll. "I'd do it for you, but you know. Chains. Altar."

"Yeah, yeah. I keep telling you not to touch stuff."

"Hey! You were the one who went and petted the sculpture of a giant penis. I was just in the wrong place at the right time."

"Shut up. Here. How's that?"

"OK." A little breathless.

"All right. Here we go."

"Ungh."

"You still OK?"

"Yeah. Yes. Just get on with it."

"OK."

...

"Jack?"

"Sorry."

"Sorry? Jack you are fifty-something. Are you telling me that you don't have more endurance than _that_?"

"I said 'sorry.' You didn't have to use the f-word. Besides, considering the circumstances, you should be happy that I was overexcited, instead of not excited enough."

...

"Hey. I thought the cuffs were supposed to release automatically when we..."

"Well, _we_ didn't. _You_ did."

"Oh." There's some groping. "Well, this isn't going to go very well if you can't get a little more interested."

"Oh, I'm plenty interested. But under the circumstances..."

"Fine. Here, I'll just..."

"No! There is no way I'm going to be Jack O'Neill's first blow job in some sort of kinky malfunctioning Ancient fertitility temple. Seriously. Somebody really should have introduced them to the idea of straight-up porn. What does a super-advanced race like the Ancients need a fertility temple for anyway?"

"Well, what do you suggest, then?" Pointed glance at the chains. "Wait. This is an Ancient device, right? You think about the best orgasm you've ever had, and I'll tell the altar that we're all done."

...

"Well, that worked perfectly."

...

"Oh, don't look so smug. It's not like you thought of it right away."

...

"Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Do _not_ tell me you put me through that when you already had this idea!"

"Well, we never have any fun. SG-5 gets all the fertility rituals!"

"Jack, the last time you participated in a 'fertility ritual,' nanites made you 300 years old!"

"Yeah! My point exactly. Here was a chance for a little fun, non-hazardous, no consequences type sex and _you_ can't get with the program."

"I don't think I'm speaking to you anymore. Your sperm is getting on my sock."

"You are no fun. Next time, I'm wanking off the giant penis sculpture with Teal'c."

"Fine. Then the next time _I'll_ get Sam to check out the interesting carvings on the back of the altar."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Oh, fercryinoutloud."

Stomps off.

Smirks.

Ends.


End file.
